Sarah: What’s the matter?
Sheldon: I can’t do it, Mom.
Sarah: Oh, that’s all right.
Sheldon: But Dad really wants me to.
Sarah: He loves you no matter what, Shel.
Tom: How’s the running going, kiddo?
Sheldon: Dad …
Tom: Do we have ourselves a winner?
Tom: Or a loser?
Sarah: Tom, Sheldon is having a rough time with it.
Tom: What do you mean?
Sheldon: We don’t have legs!
Sarah: Calm down, Shel.
Sheldon: Just feet at the bottom of our inflated bodies!
Tom: Well, I don’t want my son sliding on his stomach like everyone else!
Sarah: Tom, don’t go there.
Tom: I wish my father pushed me harder.
Tom: You’re lucky to have a father who cares so much, Sheldon.
Sheldon: But we’re meant to slide on our stomachs, Dad.
Sheldon: And we’re meant to waddle.
Sheldon: And if we waddle too fast, we just fall onto our stomachs.
Sheldon: Have you ever tried running, Dad?
Tom: I have.
Sarah: Tom, you don’t have to—
Tom: I was the fastest waddler.
Tom: And I thought I could be the first penguin to run.
Sarah: He was the best.
Tom: Everyone thought I could do it.
Sarah: It was the last day of winter.
Tom: Everyone was there …
Sarah: It’s okay, Tom.
Tom: I started off great and then … and then …
Sarah: He fell onto his stomach.
Tom: I fell onto my stomach and started sliding! Like an idiot.
Sheldon: Dad, I—
Tom: I just want the best for you, Sheldon.
Sheldon: I had no idea.
Tom: For a long time, I didn’t have the confidence to mate with your mother.
Sarah: OK, that’s enough.
E.A. Weiss is a writer in New York. Follow him around.
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